I'm Gonna Need a Smaller Net.

It has been a minute since I have felt like dating.  And by minute I mean almost two years.  So, because I have nothing better to do, I decided to cast my net out and see what sort of fishies I could capture.  And by net, I mean the internet.  Yes, that's right, I decided to give internet dating (another) try.  I chose a popular site, avoiding The One Night Stand Database as well as Let's Get Married and Be On TV site; settling on somewhere in between.  I created a profile that showcased my wit (borerline sarcasm...but hey, I'm trying to weed out Jeff Dunham fans), intelligence (intellect is NEVER overrated), and breeziness (to mask my intensity...that comes out later).  Initially, I opted not to post a pic for fear of it appearing on an old boyfriend's bulletin board with dart holes and a caption that reads, "i like sunsets, puppies, and screaming hysterical rages".  However, I quickly learned that the quality of responses increases tenfold once a pic is up.  I chose the "breeziest" picture I had and posted  my mug out there for all the world (ex boyfriends) to see. 

Next, I stated my criteria.  I have a type.  Everyone does, only mine is a little more specific (picky).  I like cops.  Not because a man in uniform sets me on fire (but admittedly, it kind of does), but because I should have been a cop.  I have that deep seated desire to catch people doing something wrong.  Ultimately, what sent me down a different path was the fact that I have no desire to confront, just to observe.  Either way, I am drawn to manly men who are intelligent and clean cut, with a sardonic sense of humor. I also like their sense of confidence (bordering on arrogance).  Most of the men that I know who fall into this category are cops.  As far as physical attributes, I tend to gravitate towards fair haired, fair eyed, unique looking men.  I don't want universally attractive, I want a face that I have never seen anything like before.  This is pretty vague, but I know it when I see it.  I wouldn't disregard say, a teacher or a farmer, but I haven't met a lot of teachers or farmers who could stomach my sarcarm or "intensity". 

As for what I am not looking for, that is far more specific.  Before stating my criteria, I perused some of the offerings out there.  My God.  What has happened in the last few years??  Did Mountain Dew sponsor some sort of Extreme Dating Challenge that I didn't know about?  Where did all these adrenaline junkies come from?  For example:
Hi, I'm Jason.  I like whitewater rafting, mountain biking, and hurling myself off of tall things. I expect my match to never veg out in front of the tv, only check her email once a week, and use phrases such as "dude that rocks" and "bungee jumping? score!".
Um, no thanks.  Conversely, I think La-Z-Boy sponsored a similar dating challenge:
Hi, I'm Todd.  I never leave my house.  I never raise the blinds.  I have reached level 5098 on War of Farmtown.  I expect my match to bring me news from the outside, use the secret knock, and use phrases such as "pass me the Doritos" and "What's the number for Domino's?"
Yeah, I have had quite enough tv time...thanks.  My intention is to actually leave my house.  I have enough chat buddies and buddies in general, so I am not looking to beef up my yahoo messenger list.  Therefore, I created a maybe pile, somewhere to toss in guys until I decided whether they would be perpetual chat buddies or actual dates.  The determining factor is what I refer to as "The Shove".  When I meet someone online (cringe), I either feel something pushing me to meet them, or I don't.  If we have chatted (again, cringe) for a week and there is no shove...then dude goes into the perpetual chat buddy pile.  I have tried to go against this, with lukewarm results.  I am not looking for lukewarm.  The shove leads to the initial BRIEF meeting.  I refuse to sign up for dinner and a movie on the first date.  I know within seconds whether or not I am going to want a 2nd cup of coffee.  My idea of Hell on Earth is to have to sit across from someone I know I will never see again and feign interest, counting the seconds until I can escape.  And a movie? Please.  How do you get to know someone at the movies?  Ok, so now that I have the framework, I can now publish and begin furnishing my house with potential dates. 

The reponses (I will get to specific profiles in a minute) were underwhelming. 

First of all, what the hell is wrong with digital cameras these days??  So many dark pictures, so little time.  I have to go on the assumption that the poor pic quality points to poor dude quality.  Also, yeah...you have kids. I get that.  I could tell by your screenname "BESTDAD4U" that you probably (hopefully, otherwise that's just creepy) have kids.  Do I need to see pics of them?  Absolutely not.  Does your ex wife know that you are advertising ya'lls kids on the internet?  Poor judgement points to poor quality, so moving right along.  Along the same lines, yeah nice pic of you and some chic.  If it's your sister, state that.  Otherwise, WTF?  And don't think you can get by with a crop, if I can still see 1/4 of some chic in a formal...then I'm to assume that you have never had a life outside of being mashed up against some woman.  Either that or you are a newly disjoined conjoined twin.  Either way, not what I am looking for.  Finally, the ever popular pic of the guy sitting at his computer, looking slightly off because he used his webcam.  This tells me that his ass is permanently glued to the task chair while he frantically works on other people's facebook farms and chats with his 476 yahoo chat buddies.  He is never looking directly into the camera, always slightly downward, because he hasn't yet grasped the concept of Hey! That Dude on the Screen Looks Just Like Me!

If the guy passed the picture test, he moves on to the next round.  The Hobby round.  I am not that picky on what men do in their free time.  I just need to be able to see myself alongside him.  Therefore, any hobby that requires me to don any sort of protective gear...out.  Not that I eliminate him based on this, I just then dig to see exactly how die hard dude is about said hobby and whether or not I would be required to participate.  If it seems that his only interest is clubbing on Beale Street, then I try to determine if he likes to go a few times a year or is he there as much as Kevin Paige.  Rock climbing...annual trip with buddies or does he wear a safety harness in place of underwear?  See, everything in perspective.  Of course you are going to want to highlight your fun loving self for your profile, but I have no use for a fanatic of any activity.  If looking at a guy's pictures make me feel tired, I know he isn't right for me. 

Next up is the keyword/phrase filter.  The following are words or phrases that will instantly activate the "not interested" button:

lover, lady, partner, walks on the beach, firelight, fireplace, roaring fire, rain, rainy nights, candlelight, massage, snuggling, cuddling, with my kids, dad first, muddin, mud riding, Adam Sandler, I don't read books (to include any cutesy misspelling of books to showcase your dumbassness), i'm new to this (no you aren't), romance/romantic, wife, ex wife, cheated, trust, newly single and ready to mingle, pamper, and Kenny Chesney (this list is not all inclusive)

The net results (all three of them) were then provided with my yahoo id, so we could get down to the nitty gritty of shove detection. 

Dude 1.  A teacher who turned out to have zero personality with tickets to the Opera.  I don't like holding up conversations.  It was as if he didn't understand the purpose of our conversation and had fast forwarded to comfortable silence.  After an extremely boring few minutes, I clicked out of messenger.  I then received no fewer than 10 emails that same day from dude, each saying, "hi."  Finally, I sent him a brief message stating that he wasn't what I was looking for and good luck.  He replied with "was it something I said?" Um, no quite the opposite.  Feeling like I should be honest, so as to avoid a flooded inbox of "hi", I leveled with him. "Look, I don't need any online messenger friends and you are destined to be that, at best. We didn't click. So, best of luck".  Dumbass then asked me, "Do you want to go to the Opera next Saturday?"  SERIOUSLY? 

Dude 2.  A computer technician (see, going against type!) who went into the maybe pile.  After chatting a few times, he pressed me for a date.  I explained my first date policy to him and he was cool with that, but still wanted to hold me to a plan.  Instead of the shove, I felt something more like a pencil poking me in the back.  Nothing that pushed me towards him, but something that I would eventually cave to just to avoid the annoyance.  I continued to be vague and non commital.  After logging off chat on Friday, I didn't log back on until Sunday afternoon, when I was treated to this missive:
Where have you been?  Women on here are crazy, never matching their profiles and not knowing what they want. Do you ever log off, because it showed you online all weekend. Good luck in your man hunt.
Oh Hell no.  Okay, I was slightly mortified that I didn't realize you had to actually log off, I figured the site just logged you off automatically.  Nope, so apparently, it looked like I had a 48 hour man search.  But, oh well.  I was going to save my reply for him until later on.  Then, I got busy sharpening my claws.

Dude 3.  Shove.  Not only did this one meet my criteria, he surpassed it.  We only chatted for a minute, and then I granted him phone privileges.  I actually liked him, and was down to meet him ASAP.  So, a couple of days later, we met.  And, it went well.  He didn't just seem interested in me, he stated as much. He was very cute and seemed genuine. I left there feeling pretty good about that find.  We communicated here and there for a few days, but no plans had been made.  He was quickly approaching the deadline! The Wow-This-Dead-Mouse-Has-Become-Tiresome-Think-I-Will-Go-Bat-Something-Else-Around deadline.  And then, I realized it.  He's just not that into me.  He said he was.  He looked like he was.  But he isn't.  I realized that all of his communication centered around how busy he was.  Work Work Work Work.  No one is that busy, though.  So, with that realization, I cut my losses and removed my profile. 

Taking down my profile brought about a sense of relief.  I could now go back to my fairly happy life without the stress of having to "put myself out there".  Putting oneself out anywhere is mentally taxing.  I realized that if I was working and had something else to focus on, I likely wouldn't have conducted this experiment.  But, I had run out of things to clean, I had reached a plateau in my job search, and I just didn't have anything better to do.  I am walking away from this with a clearer understanding of what I am looking for and an even better understanding of what I am not looking for.  Armed with this knowledge, I will just continue floating around, waiting to get shoved from behind.  I hit the "remove profile" button and stepped back into my comfortable life.

One last order of business though.  I emailed Dude number two.  The message stated:

Yeah, I just logged out.