How To Be a Better Person in Ninety Minutes

Friday evening, in celebration of my recent good fortune, I was treated to a fine steak dinner by a close friend and supporter.  We spent a leisurely evening in Memphis, dinner, coffee, bookstore, and finally Schnuck's (since moving to the country, no trip to Memphis is complete without a visit to Schnuck's).  I arrived home before 9pm and settled in to watch some tv before going to bed.  I was feeling all toasty and fortunate as I mentally planned my weekend ahead (the first one in a long time that wouldn't be spent worrying about employment).  I decided that I would paint some furniture, do some yardwork in between rain storms, and ******RING******.  Who in the Hell is blowing up my phone at 10:15???  Going against my nature to not answer, I picked up and heard my new boss's voice on the line.  She was calling to congratulate me on the offer (her boss made the offer) and also to inquire about my plans for the weekend.

On a side note, I abhor being asked what my plans are before I know the motive.  Is she asking out of politeness or curiosity? Or am I about to be obligated to something.  I had a friend in college who would do this, always so casually and always catching me off guard. 

Friend: "So, what are you doing tonight?"
Me: "Not much, probably just studying"
Friend: "Good! Can you run me up to Kroger, I need to get some groceries."

I was never sure how to handle this situation.  I would have rather eaten my own toes than to have to cart her no car having ass to the grocery store, but alas, before I was a mean girl, I was a nice girl and I had trouble saying no.  That's another virtue that I picked up in college, how to dodge the query.  How to make it seem that I am far too busy to accept an offer that doesn't beat my actual plans.  I find that inserting the phrase "supposed to" often works like a charm.

Friend: "So, what are you doing tonight?"
Me: "I'm supposed to go to the dorm meeting"
Friend: "Oh, ok...I need a ride to Kroger, guess I'll ask Terri."

or conversely,

Friend: "So, what are you doing tonight?"
Me: "I'm supposed to go to the dorm meeting"
Friend: "Oh, dang, I have an extra ticket to see Drivin and Cryin at the Mansion, I figured you might want it."
Me: "Hell yeah, screw that dorm meeting! Let me get my purse!"

So, when faced with the vague plan inquiry, I had to think fast.  If I offered myself up as available, I could get an invite to a cookout, or an invitation to volunteer my time to get started on some sort of work project.  It was a gamble.  I ended up blaming it on the rain.  "It all depends on what the weather's going to do", I say.

I was then treated to a very optimistic weekend weather forecast and invited to the big fundraiser shindig that the agency puts on each year.  Dinner and a silent auction.  It's huge.  I was silent for a beat too long, so she threw in the offer of a seat at the staff table.  I offered a meek maybe, and that is when she dealt the final blow:

"I think it would be great for you to come so you can meet the staff and the board of directors, I have been bragging on you and we are all so excited that you are on board!"

Well, then I guess I have no choice.  Really, I had no plans further than applying an exfoiliating mask and a glossing treatment to my hair; but it is my nature to avoid making plans...especially plans that would involve walking into a large auditorium full of strangers.  I suck at small talk and the thought of having to spend more than five minutes around people I don't know makes me want to visit my stash of "borrowed" Ativan.  "I have a couple of things I need to take care of tomorrow, but I will do my best to be there", I offered.  I inquired about the appropriate attire.  "Oh, we have a theme this year (PERFECT.) and so everyone is dressing like construction workers."  Ummmmmm....

Ok, first of all...I don't like themes.  I would rather dress to the nines in a ballgown than to have to obey a themed dress code.  Here's the deal with themed dress codes:  They are often thought up by one or two gung ho planners and in reality, less than 5% of attendees actually show up in costume.  Therefore, if you choose to adhere to the theme, you will likely be the only person at your table dressed in character.  You establish your place in the pecking order immediately.  Are you management, or one of "us"?  This is especially difficult in this scenario, because my dad was a construction worker...what if my idea of authentic construction worker attire is different than theirs?  My overthinking and overanalyzing began immediately. 

On Saturday morning, and for most of the day, I went back and forth on the issue.  I had no construction attire, because I generally don't do construction.  I do have "spur of the moment home improvement project" attire, but I doubted this would be appropriate as it consists of a paint splattered pair of boxer shorts and a 20 year old Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt, sans collar.  I wrestled with it all day long.  Honestly, I didn't want to go.  I felt that I needed to go, but my desire to participate registered at a negative 10.  A part of me knew that if I didn't go, I would be a shit.  Months ago, I wished for a richer life.  A life filled with friends, new experiences, challenges, and pride.  I cursed myself for making this crazy ass wish before realizing that I will usually get exactly what I ask for.  On the outside looking in, this would be a fabulous opportunity.  I get to hobnob with good people and win brownie points before ever even filling out a W-4.  I finally wore myself down with the realization that I was granted this unexpected opportunity for a reason, because it is time for me to break out of my comfort zone.  I am naturally quiet and reserved, and that is okay...but there has to be a balance.  This invite was my counterweight.  I made a deal with myself to commit to an hour.  I can do anything for an hour.  After the hour was up, I was free to go. 

Checking the mirror once more before I left the house, I surveyed my reflection.  I was fortunately granted a good hair day by the First Impression Gods.  I opted for a plaid button up, sleeves rolled up, and jeans.  It was a vague rendition of construction attire that could pass for "Oh, I'm not staying, I just stopped by to say hello" if needed.  Pulling into the parking lot, I was RELIEVED to see a parade of cargo jeans and hard hats entering the venue.  I spotted the county's most public figure exiting his car and thought to myself, "hmmmm, this should be interesting, if not good fodder for a coffee gossip session with my friends".  I was granted entrance as my new boss's guest and I shook off my overwhelming desire to run to the safety of my car. 

Surveying the crowd (and I do mean CROWD), I spotted a familiar face and had to restrain myself from running up and planting a big sloppy kiss on his cheek, out of relief.  Casually making my way over to him, I tapped his arm and he lit up like a Christmas tree.  He congratulated me on getting the job (he actually is credited with getting my resume to the top of the pile) and I felt a sense of "Yeah, that's right strangers, I know people.  I am at ease.  I can stand around and chit chat."  Using him as my jumping off point, I found my new boss and allowed her to lead me around, introducing me to people whose names I will have to learn and remember at a later date.  Everyone seemed genuine.  More importantly, everyone had on varying degrees of construction wear.  She introduced me to one of the interns that I will be supervising, and spying an empty seat at her table, I took it and sat down.  From my vantage point, I saw many people that I recognized but didn't actually "know".  I spotted another familiar face, but didn't feel the need to glom myself onto him, because I had settled down by now.  The intern and I chatted easily about the job and our backgrounds.  By the time dinner was served, I was an old pro.  The food was excellent and the silent auction items were far better than I had expected.  I made a mental note for next year's gala to come better prepared with plenty of cash (Buckley's $50 gift certificate...starting bid: $15!!).  A couple of people approached me and introduced themselves as people I would be working with.  I made another mental note to keep these people close, because I will always remember the ones that put me at ease at that first socially awkward event.  I can see us, years or even months from now, laughing into our beers at a local dive after work about how I was the most nervous looking wallflower ever.  A crazy-eyed woman plopped down at our table and held us hostage with her brick-like personality.  I sensed a subtle change in the mood of our table.  When Brick got up, one of my future coworkers stated (under her breath), "She needs to take her crazy ass somewhere else."  The future coworker caught my amused eye and apologized.  I waved her off and knew that I was going to fit right in.  After the dishes were cleared, I took this as my cue to make a getaway.  I had initially commited myself to an hour.  I had no idea how much time had passed, but I hoped it would be an hour so that I didn't look like the heel who showed up for supper and then dashed.  I bid farewell to my table mates, found my new boss (the social butterfly) and thanked her for inviting me.  She was very gracious and I knew that I had made the right decision in coming.

I didn't breath my huge sigh of relief until I got into my car.  Starting it up, and backing out of the space, I glanced at the clock.  One and a half hours.  I expanded my comfort zone by half an hour!  In half an hour, I can clean my entire house.  I can run three miles (at least I used to be able to).  I can watch a sitcom.  In half an hour I can lay the groundwork for a new and improved life off the couch, and I did!