Lowered Expectations

So, after removing my profile from the popular dating site, I get an email saying "WAIT!!!! YOU ACTED TOO QUICKLY!!!!"  The email encouraged me to check out a partner site, which gives one more control over who sees the profile and which profiles are matched.  Not having anything better to do, I decided to check it out.  After taking a very long and taxing survey (why does the length of my index finger in relationship to my ring finger matter??), I was then provided with my personality "profile".  I was kind of shocked at how accurate it was!  Basically, I am a nice person with a tough exoskeleton.  I tend to care too much about everyone else's feelings and am skilled at taking everything into consideration and delivering a fair and logical decision.  Although I am a nice person, I suck at small talk and prefer to have deep conversations with my closest friends (nice way of saying...intense).  Pretty much, my "analysis" was in line with my profession.  Empathy is my middle name. 

The new site provides you with several matches, not random dudes who live near you.  Thinking that this may be a more efficient way, I started clicking through.  And clicking through.  And clicking through.  Sure are a lot of poetry writers in West Tennessee.  And Liberals.  And Firesplace sitters.  Lots of men who I imagine sound like Robert Goulet.  In fact, as I am reading their descriptions, I imagine them in Robert Goulet's voice.  I imagine the guy with a turtleneck sweater and a brandy snifter.  One guy was kind of cute, but as I said in a previous post, his interests made me tired.  Travels to Europe at least twice a year?  How? Who freaking does that?  And, if he is so well traveled and cultured, shouldn't he know that professional only has one "a"??  The word that comes to mind as I view these profiles is....smarmy.  What am I putting out there that yields these well coiffed, silky golf shirt wearing, highbrow, soulmate searching, poets???  Folks, I am NORMAL.  I am as normal as normal can be.  And, although this doesn't make me stand out against all the other acrylic nail sponsor seeking women on these sites, I value my normalcy above everything.  Surely, there are normal men out there, with normal hobbies, normal interests, and normal hair.  I started clicking the "not really" button on each profile, hoping to weed out these yahoos and get on to better matches.  Before eliminating the profile, I was asked "why?" and encouraged to choose a reason from a drop down menu.  Try as I might, I couldn't find the option for "Dude is not normal!!" or "I fecking hate poems", or "He is hiding a small child in his hair".  I finally just used "no chemistry" (understatement).  As an added insult, before finally taking away the offensive profile, I was assured that I wasn't really eliminating him, he would simply be added to my "not really" pile, in case I change my mind later.  Which is to say, in case I get so desperate that I reconsider going out with a 60 year old poetry writer who wears half moon glasses.  After ten "not really"s, I was out of matches.  So that's what it comes down to.  In the greater Memphis area, there are ten men for me.  And I hate every single one of them.  Perfect. 

I thought about my expectation.  What, exactly, is it that I am looking for?  A boyfriend? Not really.  A husband? Probably not.  A date?  Possibly.  I have no clearly defined goal here.  Perhaps that is why nothing looks good.  I don't even know what I want.  Actually, I do.  I do know what I want.  If I thought it would work, I would write the following description of my "match":

I prefer my own company most of the time.  Sometimes, I get tired of reading or contemplating the universe...here's where you come in.  I have no interest in hanging out at the Flying Saucer or the Fox and the Hound watching you drink your St Pauli Girl watching some stupid band do covers of "Brown Eyed Girl".  I actually do enjoy going out to bars, every once and a while, but I prefer to slum it at the Bel Air and the like.  Rowdy drunk rednecks are way more fun than highbrow blowhards.  I want to meet someone who is clean cut, but not too clean cut.  Jeans and tee shirts are welcome here, but body odor is not.  And, no sandals, please.  Getting up early on a Saturday morning and enjoying coffee and conversation is my idea of heaven.  Spending the rest of the day doing whatever seems fun (to the both of us) is even better.  Riding on your Harley is not my idea of fun.  Riding to the local Dairy Queen in the early evening in the summer with the moon roof open and the Steely Dan blaring is definitely my idea of fun.  If you bring roses to my door on our first date, I won't answer.  I am looking for someone who has seen every Saturday Night Live produced and still says the 90's are the best.  Someone who would enjoy going to the Pink Palace and not trail behind me sighing loudly.  Someone who understands the dark side of life, and is satisfied with watching it play out in a movie, not in real life.  I want someone who has been knocked on his ass, and has picked himself back up...without bragging about the recovery.  Someone who likes the outdoors in a passive way, not trying to fight the fecking wind everytime he is outside (aka adreneline junky).  Sit down and chill the eff out.  I don't see life as an adventure.  Don't blow up my phone asking what I am up to.  I will feel guilty for saying the truth (nothing) and will feel pressure to make up something just so that it sounds like I have a life filled with awesomeness.  Shortly thereafter, I will resent you and stop answering your calls.  If you are looking for a 'life partner', keep looking dude.  I have no interest in settling just because you have reached the 'life partner' stage.  I enjoy watching "The Real Housewives of ...", not because I aspire to be a housewife, but because those bitches are crazay!  This doesn't make me any less intelligent and if you look down on that, go back to your dusty ass Tolstoy and leave me alone.  You will likely find me lazy, reclusive, reserved, and pessimistic.  If that appeals to you...call me! You will find that you are right, most of the time, but sometimes...and only sometimes, I can be fun as shit and so nice you will want to introduce me to your mother.   Are you out there?

Doubtful.  And, if he is out there, he likely isn't on the internet looking for me.  He's probably sitting out on his deck, smoking, having a beer (a mid brand beer) and winding down after a long day of putting up with people's bullshit.  As an aside, the extremely busy Dude #3 from the previous post sent me a text today.  And guess what! HE'S BUSY.  I am tempted to tell him how lame that is.  I'm not impressed, dude.  When I said I like cops, it's not because I am easily impressed.  Maybe I should have acted impressed and asked more questions.  Nah, might as well not lie.  I can see a lifetime of "My job is far more important than your job" on the horizon.  His text totally disrupted my important, fulfilling, soul healing, and adventuresome task of laying out in the sun.  The guy for me would have totally appreciated that.