Peace Be With You

Here's what I didn't do for New Year's:

1. Have a panic attack at 11:59:30 over all the crap I didn't accomplish in 2010.
2. Wish I was somewhere different, like out somewhere having fun.
3. Seriously consider a radical life change.
4. Stuff myself with bloat inducing foods in a desperate attempt to shore up my chances at good luck in 2011.
5. Piss and moan.

I had the most peaceful New Year's Eve celebration, surrounded by thousands of revelers and drunken homeless people. And it. was. awesome. I rang in the new year on the bank of the Mississippi River in New Orleans. There were fireworks, a brass band, fog, a falling fleur de lis, and some half baked Latino dude who clearly had never seen fireworks standing all up on me. I kissed my fella at midnight and then we devoured fancy hamburgers at an Italian restaurant served up by a surly old whore. Perfect.

2010 was my turning point. I started out the year with a totally different belief system. I won't lie, it was a tough year. But, instead of beating me down, the circumstances only made me tougher. The first half of the year, I laid the groundwork for making some hard choices, giving up a few times. I had been through hard times before, but nothing like 2010. And it was with bittersweet memories that I said good-bye. I lost so much the first half of the year, but it wasn't until the last half that I finally said good-bye. Good-bye to bitterness. Good-bye to the belief that my parents would always be around, healthy and strong. Good-bye to the belief that things will work out exactly how I want them to. Good-bye to the knowledge that I will always have a steady paycheck. Good-bye to resolution and determination to make it work. Good-bye to sitting on the bench. Good-bye to endlessly weighing the options. Good-bye to the requirement of perfection. Good-bye to the need for knowing exactly how it's all going to go down.

At midnight, I said a big Hello to 2011. Hello to choosing the thing that makes me happy. Hello to valuing the time with my father. Hello to accepting the good with the bad. Hello to the peace that comes with commitment. Hello to champagne at breakfast if that is what I want. Hello to making choices with my eye on the reward as opposed to the sacrifice. Hello to letting people in. Hello to the happy moments that come when you just throw something on and go. Hello to wondering with excitement. Hello to loving what's real instead of missing what isn't.

One year ago, I couldn't have known the turns my life would take. One year ago, that bothered me. Today, it is the not knowing that makes me smile.