Movie Reviews

I saw two movies yesterday, in my annual FMG Race to the Oscars Movie Extravaganza. Having the day off work, I ventured over to the Ridgeway Four (The only place in Memphis to see multiple Oscar nominees in one day) and sat through "Black Swan" and "Rabbit Hole". Here is my assessment of both and some other general musings on the experience.


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"Black Swan". Meh. I have to admit, I was shocked. Not shocked at the "shocking" images that Darren Aronosfky is known for (Jared Leto's arm....AAAUUUGGGHH), but shocked at the fact that Natalie Portman turned into poultry. Literally. She became the swan. Plucked a black quill right out of a pimple on her back. Grody. Her skin got goosebumps, literally. I would have been happier if she had plucked a good movie out of her boil. "Requiem For a Dream" was so real. That is why I love it. It was an unflinching portrayal of the downward spiral of drug abuse. This was not real. Natalie Portman was not even likeable. I didn't feel the least bit sorry for her. And, WTF happened to Barbara Hershey? Shit she's old. I chose my seat in the theater, feeling pretty certain that I would be the only person at the 1:20 showing. Wrong. A gaggle of old whores filed in and plopped down right behind me. I was surprised that they sat through it. I once saw "American Beauty" in Bartlett and overheard the elderly ladies in front of me talking about the rose on the movie poster and how "neat" the movie should be, based on that. Those women lasted until the scene where Mena Suvari discussed doing Kevin Spacey with his daughter, Thora Birch. Got right on up and left. So, I am always surprised when the lights come up and the old folks are still there. The sisters hung in through the imagined lesbian sex scene. They hung in through the boil busting quill scene. They hung in for the bedroom transformation scene (could that have looked any more UNREAL?). Natalie Portman stabs her imagined rival, and in the end, it turns out it was herself. Phffft.

When the lights came up, I had to pee. I went to the restroom and was washing my hands when a couple of 60-something ladies walked in. One of them exclaimed, "OH! I love your hair!! Is that natural?" as she reached out to yank on my hair. I thought I was having a "Black Swan" moment, because I couldn't believe this rude ass bitch was touching me. I looked in the mirror and expected it to shatter, with some sort of choppy violin music. No such luck. Just a dismayed FMG and an old bird with her hand all up in my hair. "No lady, I wore this normal looking hair wig especially for this showing." I got the Hell up out of there. I had an hour to kill, so I stopped by Fresh Market and was disappointed to learn that I had left my gift card at home. So, I bought a bottle of tea (to smuggle in for "Rabbit Hole") and left feeling proud that I didn't extend my credit card debt. One last stop at Starbucks for a pick-me-up and I was done. Not so fast!

Standing in line to pick up my coffee, an effeminant man said, "Oh, I just love your coat! That pink is gorgeous." as he reached out to touch my coat. Really? REALLY? What, exactly, does the color pink feel like anyway? I thought back to the scene in "Mask" where Rocky Dennis shows Diana, who's blind, what colors feel like by placing items such as ice cubes and baked potatoes in her hands. This dude didn't look blind, but I considered showing him that pink felt like a stinging shin bone. I felt raped by the public. When did it become ok to just reach out and touch complete strangers? I don't particularly like most people I KNOW touching me, much less total strangers. What is this world coming to?

Back to the Ridgeway. I was not alone for "Rabbit Hole" either, which was even more surprising. I began to fear that the others thought the movie would be about rabbits, and that they would talk through the non-rabbit parts of the movie. "Rabbit Hole"...phew. That was tough. Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart are a couple of sad sacks whose son was run over 8 months prior by quite possibly the strangest looking teenage boy ever. Sandra Oh makes an appearance to try to bust up the marriage, as usual. Sandra Oh would be a terrific best friend, but damn she is ugly. Anyway, Nicole and Aaron struggle through the grief process, growing distant and almost (ALMOST) losing each other along the way. You can see how easy this would be and I gained a new understanding for couples who don't make it after losing a child. My favorite scene in the movie occured early on, when they were at a grief support group. Someone was talking about losing his daughter, and he and his wife kept saying, "She had to die, it was God's plan, God needed another angel." Nicole had as much of this as she could stand before finally stating, "Then why didn't he just make one, I mean, he is God...couldn't he have just made another angel?" She got the stink eye from everyone and then got up to leave the group. Good for her. I have always wondered the same thing. I guess people find comfort where they can, but the Jesus freaks push that upon the grief stricken and pretty much hold them hostage with it. I mean, who is going to argue that, besides Nicole Kidman? Early in the movie, Nicole's neighbor, Patricia Kalember (of "Sisters" fame) came over to invite them to a dinner party. Nicole had just planted some flowers and that old whore stepped on one of the flowers. Her gigantic hoof crushed the one thing that day that seemed to give Nicole Kidman (pardon me, I rarely remember character names) comfort. I wanted to slap that bitch silly. This movie was real. It evoked emotion. I felt the things the characters felt. If Natalie Portman gets the Oscar over Nicole Kidman, I will cry.

So, that's three down, a few more to go. I saw "The Social Network" last week. Not so much. It was better than "Black Swan", but not by much. I won't be seeing "Toy Story 3" for reasons that I shouldn't even have to mention. I don't do kid flicks. I love Colin Firth, but am not crazy about period pieces, so skipping "The King's Speech" as well. That leaves "The Fighter", "Winter's Bone", "Blue Valentine", and "The Kids Are Alright". No interest in "Inception" and "127 Hours". I had previously crossed out "True Grit", but have reconsidered, so will see that this weekend. Oh, and "Winter's Bone" is also on the docket. I love a good meth tale.

So, there you have it...a few paragraphs of movie snobbery and social commentary. Hilarity ensues.