She Needed The Money

My best friend and I have a secret thing that we do, as most women do I'm sure. We facebook snark. Throughout the day, we patrol the status updates of our "friends" and then text back and forth about how retarded said friend is. The exchange usually ends with me making her an offer of money for a mean comment. For example:

me: Crisp $20 bill in the mail to you tomorrow if you comment "Jesus doesn't love you anymore".
her: No way!!

me: A $50 check could be on it's way to you if you comment "guess you should have used birth control"
her: no.

me: 2 $20 bills are being placed into an envelope right now. I will write your address on the envelope if you comment "hey wait, weren't you married last week?"
her: you do it.

But not tonight. Nope. Tonight, she cracked. Two former classmates, met cute and married. They live the most awesome life ever since having the most awesome child ever. One is a mousy ham-armed bitch. The other is a George Hamilton wannabe corporate drone. A match made in heaven. Life is just fecking fantastic for these assholes and thank god there's facebook; otherwise, I might miss the minute details of their fabulous existence. Ok ok, I will admit two things. First...the corporate drone...my boyfriend in high school (not the important one, though). Secondly, the only reason I added them (him, her, who knows...they share facebook...how lovely) was to sharpen my catty claws at their expense. My friend is mean, not as mean as I, but she is learning. The following update popped up on my news feed:

C*ndy S**th H**f ‎.... the cook at Banzai tonight told Lamar and I we were famous....he thought I was Tina Fey & he thought Lamar was Steve Carrell.
58 minutes ago via Facebook for BlackBerry · Comment ·LikeUnlike · Share

Am*nda G**nn Rams**r Hahahahaha! Did you sign autographs?
55 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.

C*ndy S**th H**f No autographs please :)
51 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.


This is where I sent my best friend a text, offering up $20 for a comment insinuating that dude was just looking for a tip. Before I could say "Cha Ching!", I saw the comment box expand:


C*ssie F*m*y That guy will say anything for an extra tip!!!!!
25 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.

C*ndy S**th H**f No extra tip, their automatic 15% is already too much for the poor service. Plus, Tina Fey and Steve Carrell really don't impress us that much. I mean really, do either of us look like them? I have glasses but that is it. :)
21 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.

Awesometastic. I could hear the sputtering from 500 miles away. Meanness is a quality best exercised among friends and best rewarded with cold hard cash. Unfortunately, my friend won't be receiving that $20 anytime soon. Yet another lesson in meanness. Courtesy of moi.

Oh, and don't feel bad for the Tina Fey non-look-a-like. Bitch had it coming.

One more thing, in case anyone was wondering. Being small and petty is quite satisfying every now and again. Hey, at least I'm honest.