Good Riddance Laura, You Bitch.

When I was 8 years old, I had a walkman.  Actually, I doubt it was an actual Walkman, probably more like a Coby or Emerson.  Anyway, it was an FM radio with headphones that I could clip to my rainbow belt.  I loved to listen to it, and I knew every song that came on B97FM out of New Orleans.  When I say every song, I mean EVERY song.  Each one.  No matter how obscure, if it was released as a single, I heard it.  And memorized it.  I was an emotional kid and I took music very seriously, and literally.  There was one song that would come on, and I would rip the headphones off my head and run get under my mother's arm because this song is quite possibly the saddest song ever.  I couldn't handle it.  I heard it all the way through one time, and knew that I must not ever listen again.  Ever.  I would cry and cry and my mother would try to explain that it was just a song, it didn't mean anything, blah blah blah.  But no, I was inconsolable.  "Think of Laura" by Christopher Cross made me want to die, at age 8.  What sealed the deal was that "General Hospital" used this song to score a montage of Laura (of Luke and Laura fame) flashbacks when she DIED.  Not being accustomed to the concept of a montage, it was more than my 8 year old mind or heart could handle.  I was afraid to turn on the radio, scared that the weepy strains would come on and then it would be too late.  A level 5 meltdown was sure to ensue.  The song was never popular (Gee, wonder why?).  So my question is this...If this song was never a popular hit, WHY IN THE HELL AM I BEING SUBJECTED TO IT IN WALGREENS 28 YEARS LATER????

I run into Walgreen's, as I do most every day, to pick up a couple of things.  This trip included buying nutrional shakes to supplement my dad's diet (because I am his dietician now, apparently).  I walk in to the tune of "Build Me Up Buttercup", a non offensive song.  I even hum along, cheerfully, as I stoop down to examine the nutrional shake offerings.  I am in no hurry, just taking my time picking out the most decadent looking ones.  And then I hear it..."Laura".  "Hey Laura".  "Laura".  Christopher Cross is mewing over the PA system.  OH NO! OH NO! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! I exclaimed silently.  But, shit! I promised those shakes today and if I don't get them, my dad will lose more weight and become more unhealthy and it will be all my fault.  No.  It will be all Christopher Cross's fault.  I jerked up the first 12 pack I could get my hands on, completely disregarding my dad's preference or taste, as well as nutrional value; and headed for the check out.  Maybe I can make it before the first chorus.  DAMMIT!!! Is this "Senior Discount Day"??? FACK!!!  The old broad in front of me carefully leafed through her super shopper coupon book, matching up the coupons to the items on the counter.  La la la la la Leisure.  I am sweating now, and I can feel the tears begin to sting my eyes.  I contemplated just dropping the shakes and running out the door, but I do want to return to this Walgreen's in the future.  I considered just plunking down a twenty on the counter and bypassing the slow pokes.  And there's the chorus....

"Think of Laura, but laugh don't cry, I know she'd want it that way...hey hey"

Jesus.  I tried  to anger myself.  I thought about stupid men.  I thought about Gary Glitter's Rock and Roll Part 2 not being a real song.  I thought about drop kicking the old miser in front of me.  Nothing was working.  And there it is again....

"Think of Laura, but laugh don't cry, I know she'd want it that way...hey hey"

I try to think of other whiny Christopher Cross songs.  "Gonna ride like the wind, before I get old da da da da da da da", "And now I will never be the same without your love, I'll live alone and hide myself from behind my tears...and I....."  WTF? How am I the Christopher Cross lyric master?  I always hated Christopher Cross.  "When you get caught between the moon and New York City, I know it's crazy, but it's true"  What does that even mean?  Grandma Tightwad finally collected her fleet enemas and her Revoln Moon Drops and got the hell out of the way. 

The clerk asked me if I wanted to partake in today's special of Butterfingers, 2 for a dollar.  I answered her in a loud, distracting voice, "No. No I would not.  See, I am buying these shakes for my dad because he needs the extra calories since his recent open heart surgery, these are not for me because I don't need additional calories" (IS IT OVER YET?  NO! KEEP TALKING) "Now if you were offering say, packs of Marlboros, 2 for a dollar, I'd be all over that.  But, I guess you can't do that (IS IT OVER YET?  WAIT...YES!! SWEET JESUS!! IT IS OVER)"  I then shut my gotdamned mouth and felt instantly embarrassed at what had just transpired.  I then heard

"Jitterbug *snap snap* Jitterbug *snap snap* You put the boom boom into my heart...."

Really?  Now that I am about to leave, wet faced, the people left in Walgreen's get to enjoy WHAM!?  Walgreen's lost a lot of money today due to this muzak mishap.  I had at least 30 minutes to kill.  I could have dropped some serious cash in there had I not been run out by Christopher Cross.  Perhaps, had the rotation been reversed, I would have wandered over to the make up aisle, and then the shampoo aisle, and finally, topping off my basket in the quick snacks aisle.  But no.  I was forced to think of Laura.  But, it doesn't matter what Laura would have wanted.  Because instead of laughing, I cried. 

So, fack you, Laura.  I'm glad you're gone.