Al Gore, The Continental

Al Gore invented the internet, global warming, and now...the catchphrase of Summer 2010: Release the Chakra. This is one of those times when I kick myself for not wandering off to NYC immediately after my college graduation and camping out at 30 Rock in order to gain notice and Lorne Michael's favor...I soooo could have exploited this in a 3 minute sketch. For those who might have missed the story, Al Gore got a massage in Portland, Oregon a couple of years ago...and some masseuse got an experience that will make her cringe at least 5 times a day for the rest of her life. Here's the story: http://gawker.com/5571265/did-al-gore-make-unwanted-sexual-contact-with-a-masseuse

How unfortunate. I actually voted for Gore in 2000. I kind of thought he was cute. I didn't care about his grandiose claims of inventing the internet. When he "lost" the election, I was disappointed. This country needed a handsome, mild mannered man to lead us. Bill Clinton ruined the handsome man as President notion, but Al Gore might have salvaged it. He was square, but cute. He and Tipper were "normal". You just knew that once away from Tipper, Al Gore would cut loose and drink beer. He might have even listened to some Skynard. I forgot about Al Gore. Then, I saw "An Inconvenient Truth". DAMN, Al Gore got old. In fact, I thought the inconvenient truth was that Al Gore actually died 6 months before filming and they used his cold white shell. After determining that he was still indeed alive, I removed Al Gore from my "cute men that I hope succeed" list...bumping Mickey Rourke up a few notches...you're welcome, Mickey!

Then, I heard about the demise of the 40 year long Gore union. Al and Tipper were calling it quits. Knowing something was up, I waited patiently for the big reveal. What would it be? An affair? An addiction? A political scandal? I was a little disappointed to hear the news this week. Al Gore wanted a new age happy ending. And when he didn't get it, he turned into "The Continental". Christopher Walken fleshed out this overbearing self-important creep for years on Saturday Night Live: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/the-continental/274956/

According to the report, Al Gore, while she was packing up, grabbed her in "an inescapable embrace" and "caressed my back and buttocks and breasts." She distracted him with a box of chocolates (really!) which backfired when he tried to get her to eat them out of his hand. I find it hilarious that the masseuse tried to distract a horny Al Gore with chocolate. And, instead of slapping them out of her hand...he went for the chocolates anyway, trying to tie them into his seduction. The masseuse mentioned that when she arrived, Al Gore was wearing a shorty robe and he hugged her a "tad too long". She said she didn't know if the robe was open or closed, and that Al was "rotund". So, good call on the chocolate diversion tactic, sister! During this horrible dance macabre, the masseuse claims: "he turned to me and he immediately flipped me flat on my back and threw his whole body face down over atop me, pinning me down and outweighing me by quite a bit. Get off me, you big lummox! I loudly protested to him and I struggled with my whole body to shove him as hard as I could to roll him off me..." LUMMOX??? She called him a lummox? Why not Galoot? Or Oaf? How about, "GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU FAT PHUCK!"? Or even better, "Hey! What's Tipper doing in the closet??"

After being force fed Grand Marnier and Al Gore's tongue, the masseuse somehow made it to the door. Being the Phoenix that he is, Al Gore quickly recovered and made one final steam roll before she could get away. Upon returning home, the masseuse found on her slacks what could either be Al Gore's inconvenient truth, or soap; she couldn't tell which.

I am not certain of the validity of this woman's claim, but just the idea of Al Gore pulling "The Continental" routine make me want to vomit up last night's supper. And, what about poor ol' Tipper? A thousand showers, with real soap, couldn't wash away the visions of her dear sweet heavy lidded eyed husband pushing the Grand Marnier as if it were "Champognay". She is likely wondering where in the Hell this global warming was during the last 40 years. While she was out chastising us kids for listening to rap music and Judas Priest, Al Gore was probably out releasing his Chakra onto pants everywhere.

In closing, shame on you, Al Gore. I was having a fantastic sunny day on Thursday, and then you ruined it. Your antics made me cringe and I am so disappointed in your lack of discretion. Could you not have called your friend, Bill C, for the number of an escort service that would "service" you and keep it on the DL? There is no recovery from this. Much like Richard Gere and the gerbils, every time I hear your name, I will not think of the gentleman of yester-decade; I will instead wish you had kept your soap dispenser in the bathroom. And, if I was that masseuse, I'd change my email address. Her inbox is destined to be filled with spam and viruses from now on....because clearly, you don't phuck with the Father of the Internet; and because she didn't, she will pay dearly.