One Month Left

Today marks the last month of 36. In 31 one days, I will be "in my late thirties" as opposed to "mid-thirties". And you know what? Whatever.

One year ago, I was fretting about all the things I have not accomplished. Namely, motherhood. In a year's time, so much has changed for me. And, I have made peace with one thing in particular...

I will be the old lady in the nursing home who isn't wearing a coursage on Mother's Day. Maybe I will be visited by generic volunteers, maybe I will receive some sort of wilted "honorary mother" consolation prize, maybe I will disrupt the Mother's Day tea by attempting an escape; the possibilities are endless. And this is the story of my life.

I chose possibilities over motherhood. Some might say that I am deciding too early, but let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. And the older I get, the more resolved this issue becomes, both in my mind and my ovaries. I feel peaceful about this, as opposed to fraught with turmoil and panic. Turmoil and panic are no friends to the sensible decision making process; but they have been my motivators for years. I am saying good-bye to all that mess.

Some people are meant to be mothers. I would fail the teetering baby test. Picture a teetering baby...teetering on some sort of ledge, couch, bed, whatever....do you rush to catch the baby? What I am about to say here will be controversial, no doubt; but see the reasoning and not the theoretical consequence, I would not rush forward to catch the teetering baby. I do not have that instinct. I am not an evil person, I swear. And, for the record, I have never actually taken the teetering baby test. And, I would not push the baby. I'm just saying that I would likely just stand there weighing out reactions, wasting precious time. Weighing out the options brings about a bruised baby. Therefore, that is one less bruised baby in the world. A lot of people would say, "Oh, it is different when it is your own child." Is it? Wouldn't it be better to not test that theory?

I also recognize something else about myself. I would be an Aurora Greenway type mom. Remember "Terms of Endearment"? Aurora sneaks in to check the baby constantly, testing the baby to make sure it is still alive. I have a dog, Harriet, and she is eight years old. In all likelihood, Harriet will live at least another 4 to 5 years. I am already planning Harriet's burial. When I snuggle Harriet, all I can think of is how hard it is going to be when she dies. Nevermind the years of fun and happiness we have left, my focus is already on letting her go. Can you imagine how this would play out with an actual child? As soon as I pushed the baby out, I would already be telling it good-bye. Which of course, would make me want to cling to this hypothetical baby....toddler...child...youth...teenager...adult; you see how this could turn into a problem, right?

And finally, I've got stuff to do. Stuff I want to do and stuff I need to do; that doesn't involve taking the next 18 years off to devote myself to raising a child. I want to continue not cooking supper every night. I want to use my extra money for stupid shit, like the entire Time Life Body and Soul 10 CD set. I want to come home from work and drink copious amounts of Pinot Grigio some days. I am not under any presumption that my life is going to be carefree or easy; however, taking away the child factor certainly lessens the complications. I am fully aware that a life without kids is not all wine and roses, trust me...so far it definitely hasn't been. I want the freedom to take risks and make mistakes, without care to the consequence of my child. Selfish? Probably. Smart? Most certainly.

I have a wonderful mother. I know plenty of wonderful mothers. I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by women who would pass the teetering baby test. Someone needs to catch the baby, it just won't be me. To the teetering babies of the world...

You're Welcome.