Things I Hate About My New Neighbors

As if on cue, just as I completed my patio paradise, something came along to blow it up. July 4th weekend, I got new neighbors. I didn't even realize the house next door had been vacant, the lady that lived there pretty much kept to herself. All of a sudden, raggedy pick up trucks were all over the scene, unloading a house full of bad decisions.

First, they unloaded the trampoline. Then the see saw. Then the various yard-ape accessories. Next, they applied Round-Up to the ENTIRE yard. Easier than cutting the grass, I guess. And really, a dirt yard seems to be what they are used to. All of the yard accessories were placed right next to the fence, so that as they enjoyed their things, they could keep an eye on what was happening in my yard as well. Neat. Oh! Then, the extra large batting cage. After all the hard work in arranging Six Flags Over Tipton, they relaxed by riding their four wheeler around the front yard. The lot is maybe 1/4 of an acre...and that is being generous. A child's bedroom suite sat out in the front yard, still on the trailer, for 3 days (and nights). That's gonna smell real nice when Junior finally gets to sleep in his own bed. There are three adults and what appears to be two kids, a young girl and a large (weight problem) pre-teen boy. It appears to be an arrangement that is quite common in these parts: early thirties/late twenties male, late to mid twenties female, late teen girl (an early start child or wayward sister), her toddler, and someone's loud obnoxious boy child who is obviously managed with food. It is a two bedroom home.

Terrific. Yes, I am a fairly intolerant person...I will be the first to admit that. I don't give people the benefit of the doubt, I pass judgement immediately...and guess what? It usually turns out to be right. I can spot a "situation" from miles away. And now, I have a "situation" next door. Next door to my tidy little home, in my tidy little neighborhood. I have an idea that this situation is fresh from the Hatchie River bottom. Something tells me that they lost their trailer, either to the Spring floods or the bank. Were there not any rental properties available in the county? On any given day, there are various vehicles in various states of disrepair parked in the front yard. Each night, there's a party on the 10'X10' deck. And all their rowdy friends are coming over tonight, to quote Bocephus.

So, in honor of my new neighbors, I have compiled a list of things I hate about them. This helps me laugh about the situation, until I can get a nice privacy fence built.

I hate:
1. Their olde English lettered tatoos.
2. Their Nickleback cd collection.
3. Their Fingerhut wicker bathroom collection complete with the "BATH" clock.
4. Their "Intimidator" Dale Earnhardt velvet wall hanging.
5. Their "Bless This Mess" kitchen wall hanging.
6. The velveteen waterwheel scene couch with wooden arms, complete with rings from the countless sweating Milwaukee's Best cans.
7. The shaved heads on the males, to help with the apparent lice issues.
8. The framed print hanging above the waterbed, an angel helping the two small children cross the rickety bridge...a hostess gift from the Home Interiors party.
9. The shellaced wooden "taters" and onions holder.
10. The cobalt blue and fuschia hair feathers that mama is saving up for.
11. The GED study guides.
12. The empty Dr Pepper two liters, bags of Doritos, and Oreo crumbs that litter the living room. All name brand because Junior's seasoned palate KNOWS the difference.
13. The high dollar Nissan Armada that they all spill out of during their weekly trips to the Cash Advance.
14. Their dream vacation to Magic Springs.
15. Their tan sheets...the after effect of hanging out in the dirt yard.
16. Their poor man's lottery of athletic ability improving gear...here's hoping their fat kid can go on to the MLB, NBA, or NFL to pull them out of poverty.
17. Their flagrant disregard of the leash law for their dingy dog.
18. The tension of having two hens in the roost.
19. The thick french manicured acrylics that are a week overdue for a fill-in.
and finally:
20: The $578 in combined food stamps that they unofficially receive.

Quick to pass judgement? Always. Accurate judgment? Maybe. Probably. Could it be worse? Of course. I can accept the fact that not everyone lives like I do...privately, neatly, and considerately. And I completely understand that my rights end where another's begin. And, apparently, serenity ends at the fence line. So, for now, I will just not wear my eyeglasses while outside; that way the line of demarcation is blurred into a jumble of earth tones and wife beaters.