Slumber Fail

I am having some trouble sleeping. Not so much falling asleep...I could fall asleep on a busy train track. But, staying asleep is not working out. So, I have been forced to turn to chemicals for assistance. Before I go on, I acknowledge that I was quick to pass judgement on my crackhead childhood friend in an earlier post. However, my situation is different. I have no children to witness my drug induced stupor, I am not currently involved in any sort of legal battle, nor do I obtain sleep aids from a myriad of doctors. Now that that's out of the way...

In my bedside table, I have a small pharmacy featuring both OTC and prescription medications. I obtained a prescription for a supply of pain pills recently, because I was actually in pain (OW MY LEG!!) and I found that in addition to easing my old-lady knee pain, the pills also provided me with a full night's sleep. I feel guilt every time I take a pill...knowing that my supply is dwindling. My knee has returned to human proportions, yet I continue to reap the sound sleep benefits.

I have used over the counter remedies before: Thera-flu, Nyquil, Advil PM, Benadryl, etc. This insomnia is nothing new to me. Trouble sleeping has plagued me for years during times of turmoil. If it weren't for Bendaryl, my divorce would have caused me to have a car accident. Thera-flu helped me sleep away my last serious break-up. Advil PM assisted me in forgetting about being unemployed. When the shit hits the fan, I hit the familiar foil sealed packs of snooze. In college, I didn't sleep for days, finally going to the campus infirmary (because I could not afford luxuries like over the counter medication). The "doctor" there gave me a sample pack of a new drug, one that was guaranteed to put me to sleep and keep me asleep, for only 8 hours, then I would wake up feeling refreshed. This was my first and last experience with Ambien. Oh it worked...and worked...and worked...and kept on working. How in the Hell was I supposed to function on that shit? I felt like I had smoked 10 blunts...and that was AFTER a full night sleep. No thanks. So, anyway, I have had off and on periods of living out a bad Huey Lewis song for nearly 20 years. (in case you missed the pop culture reference, it's "I Want A New Drug").

I enjoy having a drink here and there, but am no drinker. Therefore, alcoholism is out. It is too facking hot to do any sort of exercise, I consider getting through the day to be exercise enough. I don't chant. I don't do yoga. I don't meditate. Warm milk is creepy and god forbid some sort of gross skin forms on the top, because then I would have to give up all milk. I usually don't drink coffee after 9am. My insomnia is all in my head, truly. I worry. A lot. Usually, I can keep a handle on my anxiety and it generally does not affect my day to day life. However, when things pile up, it becomes unmanageable and there I go...reaching for the blister packs. For once, my anxiety does not focus on my personal life. My personal life would put Dave Attell to sleep...which is a good thing. Work really sucks right now and it keeps getting suckier by the day. It seems like the more I try to catch up and control things, the worse it gets. There simply isn't enough time. I could work an 80 hour week and still be behind, that is the nature of the job. Dealing with people is bad enough, but dealing with people who, by nature, have ongoing drama is the worst. They never close. They never shut off. The drama just keeps unfolding. And when I notate one thing, my phone rings and it is just another twist in the soap opera that I am being paid to watch. And so on until I am awakened at 2am by a panic that I didn't sign off on someone's utility assistance request, or I didn't remember to write down someone's appointment, which means I will have to phone them, which means I will have to invite additional conversation about shit that I really don't care about. And once I am awake...it's off to the races.

So, you can see where a dead stupor would come in handy here. Until last night. I opted for an old school pill last night, to make an effort to conserve my current supply. I don't even know what it was, Lortab or something like it, prescribed for some sort of dental procedure from long ago. So, off to dreamland I go. Little did I know, I had purchased a ticket on the crazy train and I rode that train all. night. long.

At some point, I woke up, laying on top of the bedding...freezing. Covering up, and quickly drifting off to sleep, I then had the longest, weirdest, and apparently(judging from the racking sobs that I woke myself up with)saddest dream ever. I won't go into details here, but will say that it involved someone I used to know, death, and pleading. Heartwrenching. Anyway, I woke up crying and after finally pulling myself together, I made another attempt at slumber. I then had a very happy (but strange) dream and slept the rest of the night in a pool of sweat. I got up with the alarm, drank a pot of coffee, and was applying make up when I realized that I did NOT win 5th row tickets to see Journey in concert.

It was then that I had my Huey Lewis moment. Haggardly looking into the mirror and thinking to myself that I needed a new drug. Maybe not a narcotic. Perhaps I should try Melatonin. Or Valerian root. Something, anything, that will put my mind to rest, without breaking my heart. Something that will neither raise or lower my body temp by ten degrees. Something that will not allow me to get up, prepare and eat a sandwich, and make TWO very ambitious to-do lists....all with no memory of the event. Something that will make me feel like I have had some sleep after I have had some sleep. Because if I don't get some good quality sleep soon...someone is going to get cut.