Everythings Fine...Really!

Last week, I was on my way to my appointment with my therapist. Yes, my therapist. You don't go through all the bullshit that I have survived in the last 16 years without one. Plus, pouring all my complaints out to someone every two weeks keeps me happy and funny for everyone else. Anyhoo--so I was on my way to see her and I thought to myself, "Wow, I really don't have anything to talk about today. I must really be doing well. Maybe I will suggest tapering off so that I can use that $40 on something else." I got to her office and sat down, without the usual long drawn out sigh. She asked how things were going and I smiled brightly and said, "Great!" She asked for details.

How I went from "Great!" to a weeping "See you in two weeks" mess is the subject of my post today.

I proudly told her how I had enforced my boundaries over the last couple of weeks. We discussed how awkward and weird that felt and she gave me some pointers in tweaking my approach and perhaps toning down my offensiveness. I mentioned, just in passing, that I was still unsure about how to proceed with the issue of relationships. Of course, she wanted to hone in on that one remark. And, in just 40 minutes, my facade came crumbling down.

I mentioned that I still felt so scared to commit to anything, afraid of the consequence, and ultimately, afraid of making the wrong choices...again. She did a brief rundown of the things I chose not to commit to over the last two years and we discussed how, thus far, it would seem that I had made good choices. However, I have chosen not to commit for so long that it is like second nature now. And the reason I choose not to commit? Because I want to avoid the searing white hot pain that I have become accustomed to when I go all in. This has boiled over into every aspect of my life, from work to what to have for dinner. I can't decide on anything. I keep my options open until the very last second, until I am forced into a decision, and then I lament how pressured to choose I felt. Or, I will decide, then change my mind, then change it back, then change it back again, and so on; finally becoming so exhausted with it that I eventually lose interest. After reviewing this, I was still fine and slightly less optimistic, but still good. I remarked to her that it has been so long since I was in a serious relationship that I don't think I would know how to act. She reminded me that there was no script, only just the commitment to be my "authentic self". That's the problem, I reminded her. When my "authentic self" comes out, all of a sudden things start to fall apart and next thing I know, I'm gathering quotes from moving companies. The problem, she reminded me, was that I didn't show that "self" at the beginning, instead just bringing her out later and expecting everybody to accept her. So basically, I am guilty of acting like nice, fun, sparkly girlfriend in the beginning and then turning into a bitch on wheels down the line. Well, kinda. Anyway, we discussed more of my fears about committing to any relationship...even those that have thus far proven promising and positive. I had a list a mile long:


I'm afraid I will overreact about something minor and kill the relationship.
I'm afraid I will change my mind.
I'm afraid I will choose, then pine over the one I didn't choose.
I'm afraid of wanting something completely different 5 years from now.
I'm afraid I will fall in love and devote myself to someone who is careless with me.
I'm afraid I will have to upset the neat little apple cart of my life.
I'm afraid of being uncertain about the relationship's future.
I'm afraid of going to bed angry.
I'm afraid of sleeping next to someone who is angry with me.
I'm afraid of finding an errant receipt for dinner for two...that I didn't eat.
I'm afraid of hang-up calls.
I'm afraid of EVERYTHING.

See, I am able to talk myself out of a relationship every time. My therapist leaned in and said the words that totally demolished my "Hey! Everything's fine! Really!" facade. "I want you to live. I want to see you live instead of hanging back on the sidelines because you are afraid of messing up. Your fear has kept you from really living for long enough now. I would rather see you live messily than not live perfectly."

I couldn't stop the big fat tears from spilling over. It hit me so hard because, well...she's right. I have allowed fear to completely paralyze me. And now, I can barely order dinner without second, third, fourth, and fifth guessing myself. I can barely get my paperwork done because if I can't do it perfectly, then I don't want to do it at all. And, I can't let the right one in for fear of forcing the wrong one out. Therefore, I have just been floating along, keeping every option open but not choosing any. That's not to say that I don't want to choose. I actually do. I want to be in a relationship, but I also want a guarantee that it will be the last relationship and that I will not ever get hurt again. As long as I wait for that, the right one isn't coming. Thus far, I have been okay with that. Preferring not hurting to taking a risk. I am beginning to not be okay with that though. And my only thought is...."YIKES!!!!!"

My vision was blurry as I opened up my calendar to schedule our next appointment. "Ok, so...how about two weeks from today?" she asked.

"Works for me", I replied.