Behind The Camera

I was recently engaged in a shame filled disagreement with a close friend. Ok, someone recently got pissed off at me because I updated my Facebook status during dinner. And, he had every right to. Of course, I tried to defend myself...but deep down I knew I was wrong. And I felt ashamed. It blew over rather quickly and before long we were back to normal. But, I was different. I saw things through different eyes, now that my habit had been pointed out to me. Updating my facebook/tweeting/texting/etc is my equivalent of walking around with a camera at the ready and never actually seeing the things I photograph (which I am bad about as well.) Basically, I am so concerned with informing everyone of my good time that I forget to actually have a good time.

Now, I do love my social media. I can't imagine life before it. But, I should. I spent at least 32 years without it (yes, I was tardy for the party). And in those 32years, I saw things with my own eyes. I skied down Camelback Mountain, alone, only screaming part of the way down...without updating anyone on my progress. I watched the formerly sucky 1991 Atlanta Braves parade down Peachtree Street in a ticker tape blur without so much as a hanging chad to show for it. I got married, not once but twice, without the world knowing every single step along the way. The engagement picture in my hometown newspaper had to suffice as my "status update". I spent a week in Las Vegas and saw more things in that one week than I have cumulatively seen in my entire life; and have very few pictures to show for it. These were times in my life that I was present for the present. And, my memories of these times are rich and detailed.

Now the flipside. I finally made it to California in 2005. I had always wanted to go and was so excited to be sent there for a conference...on someone else's dime. I spent the entire trip behind my camera, capturing everything I could on film as if I was about to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And you know what? I remember very little about that trip. And, what's worse, my film was ruined on the trip home; therefore, I don't even have the pictures to show for it. Everytime I think about that I get pissed with myself. I took that trip in the future. My logic was "I'll just get all this on film so that I will always be able to look at the pictures and remember what it was like." Nope. Didn't work. When I think about that trip, all I can think about is how filled with regret I am that I didn't actually experience the trip...I just documented it. So, why didn't I learn my lesson? I think I have the answer...

If I can convince my 200+ Facebook friends, random tweet followers, and text addict friends that I am happy and having the best time ever...then it must be true. It's called validation and I am clearly addicted to it. Somewhere along the way, my own validation of myself became unimportant and I required the admiration of people who matter very little to me to feel as though I have accomplished something. Social Media is like crack to a validation addict. My Iphone is my pipe. It is my trumpet, allowing me to blare my happiness and good fortune to the public. But, you know what? Trumpets are loud and annoying. What if I literally had a trumpet instead of an Iphone?

"Yeah, I'll have the filet, medium well." ATTENTION! CUE THE HORNS! FMG IS AT A FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT AND SHE JUST ORDERED A STEAK! "Oh, and also a glass of merlot." ATTENTION!!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG IS GETTING HER DRINK ON AT THE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!! Sitting across from my friend ATTENTION!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG IS NOT ALONE AT THE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!! we discuss THE LATEST NEWS STORY which I have googled right there so as to have UP TO THE MINUTE information. The food arrives. ATTENTION!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG IS ENJOYING HER MEAL. HERE IS A PICTURE OF IT. DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS MEAL? After dinner, my friend and I decide to get a coffee. ATTENTION!!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG HAS LEFT THE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT AND IS NOW ON HER WAY TO STARBUCKS!!

See what I mean? I can't imagine sitting across from someone and only seeing the top of his head as he looks down at his Iphone for the majority of the meal. But, I was guilty of this and it was pointed out to me and for that, I am sorry. Truth is, there was no one else I would have rather been sitting across from, but as with all addictions...the fix always wins out. That admonishment served as a 180 day stay at Crossroads for me. I put the pipe away and counted myself as present. And, I have the vivid memories to prove I was there.