The 5 Friends Every Woman Needs

I have never been one to surround myself with a gaggle of giggling women.  In fact, I loathe the fake "girls night out" crews that whoop and holler their way through dinner at the local taco hole.  These women call each other "hun" and declare their love for each other at the end of the night, complete with hugs and kisses.  Soooooo not me.  This crew of "ladies" makes me want to vomit and then smackabitch. (No offense to my high school friends, but why do you think I drink like 5 margaritas within the first hours?!)

In my old age, I have come to realize that one best friend (especially one who lives 400 miles away) is probably not enough.  I have different facets to my personality, as all women do, and it occurs to me that one woman is not going to be able to connect to each one.  I have come up with 5 different types of friends that every woman should have in their lives, in shoe format: 

1.  The Running Shoe.  This is the universal friend, the one who is compatible with most of the facets.  She's going the distance.  The longer you have this friend, the better she is.  This friend need not be a next door neighbor (though, wouldn't that be AWESOME?), she need not even reside in the same city or state.  This is the friend that you could go weeks without talking to, and then resume the comfortable banter as soon as the call is connected.  This woman knows you and your history. 

2.  The Stiletto(s).  As I said before, no giggling gaggle for me, but a couple of girlfriends to go out with would be nice.  Meeting for dinner and drinks after a week from Hell does wonders for one's soul.  Got tickets to see "Jersey Boys"?  Call the Stiletto.  The Stiletto either does not have children or she has a firm grasp on childcare.  I want girl talk...I do NOT want to have dinner with your eleven year old son.  She does not have a husband who calls her every 15 minutes to either, determine her location; or to find out when she is coming home.  I have no patience for women who chose dickheads for husbands. 

3.  The Slipper.  This friend is comfortable.  Easy going, accommodating, and without pretense.  The benefit of this friend is two fold.  When this friend appears at your back door for coffee, you don't feel the need to brush your hair.  You don't have to go into a lot of backstory with this friend, she understands.  She gets it.  The other benefit of this friend is that she understands that sometimes...you just want to be left the fuck alone.  She won't hold you hostage for a three hour phone call.  She won't show up at your house because you didn't answer her last email.  She won't pressure you about "getting out" when you don't feel like getting out.  This all sounds mean, actually.  But if you have ever had a friend who didn't get it; you know. 

4.  The Boot.  I wear boots when I don't shave my legs.  This way, I can still wear skirts, and no one has to know I have neglected to take care of business.  Got big calves? Put on boots.  This is the self esteem builder friend.  The cover up, she will tell you exactly what you want to hear.   There are benefits to this, though short lived.  Feeling weird about your new haircut? Call this friend.  Need to ease your man into your circle of friends? Let this one be first.  Unsure about quitting your job to write a book...seek the optimistic counsel of this friend.  She won't be there, pointing out all the negatives.  That will come later, with the next friend.

5.  The Flip Flop.  This friend can often be brash, and hard to take.  But, she is often a wise counselor.  There is no hiding with this friend.  Bad feet, chipped polish, cracked heels, it is all exposed.  This is the mirror friend.  Not the friend you want to hang out with every Friday night, no one's self esteem can handle that, but the morning after friend.  When you are ready for the cold hard truth, this is the one to call.  I find that a lot of women like to only wear boots, never flip flops.  Everyone must wear flip flops sometimes.  The Flip Flop friend is hard to take at times; therefore, she can not be considered universal.  This is the friend who will reflect reality, but you must be ready for reality before you call her.  Sometimes, sparkly blue nail polish looks ridiculous on busted up feet...and you need to know.