Facebook Misuse

Currently, I am listening to a news broadcast about the new privacy measures on Facebook.  Again?  Why must we keep revisiting this?  Am I the only person who understands that if you don't want to put your information out there, don't use social media?!  It's true, some people don't understand how Facebook works.  The whole concept of Facebook is putting your shit out there, no?  If you want to keep your information to yourself, get a datebook, or a diary.  I equate this with shameless media whoring followed by pissing and moaning about lack of privacy (sideways glance at you, Jon and Kate).  Conversely, since Facebook has become the Burger King of social media, I would like to suggest a change to make it more convenient for moi; since really, that is what it's all about anyway.  I would like for Facebook to take measures to protect me from other people's information.  I am mature and educated enough to understand that if I don't want anyone to know things about me, I won't broadcast them on the internet.  But what about the daily barage of useless and often cringe inducing tidbits that hog valuable screen space?  I have identified 7 types of Facebook users that I would like to be protected from:

1.  "I Thought Facebook Was a Computerized Dayrunner"
We all know this person.  Our friend.  Or not, maybe just the girl that sat behind us in 11th grade American History.  She missed the memo on what Facebook is meant for.  It is a catch-up tool.  It replaces the chintzy holiday "Here Is What We Have Been Up To" letter.  It virtually makes high school reunions irrelevant.  I am all about the highlights, just give me the run-down and we can be done.  I do not need a play by play of your morning.  For Example:
     CLUELESS McCLUELESS:  Just put breakfast in the oven, getting ready to work out, then will mow the yard and shower. After that, will prepare lunch and watch television.  After television is over, will log into facebook to check for comments on my exciting routine.

STOP IT!!!!  I do not care.  Yes, I realize I could "hide" these boring ass updates from my feed, but if I did that, my feed would be depressingly empty and alas, I would have nothing to make fun of. 

2.  "I Use Facebook to Concoct a Faux Fab Life In The Hopes That Others Will Envy Me"
Hello, Liar. 
     I will use the previous example, only faux fabbed up:
     LIAR McLIAR:  Prepared sumptuous poppy seed kiwi shallot quiche with Rachel Ray, now on my way to extreme frisbee and then bistro style lunch on the patio with my favorite person.  Watching a riveting social commentary later and then attending a social networking meet and greet.

Wow. Can I be you?  What the above status doesn't mention is that Rachel Ray was on the tv, the extreme frisbee is something that is going on as he drives through Shelby Farms in an effort to escape his boredom, and the social commentary is a "Friends" marathon on TBS, all prior to logging back into Facebook to see who's jealous. 

This is the sole reason I became of Facebook fan of:  Reading someone's status and thinking 'oh shut the hell up'

3.  "I Believe Everything I Hear"
This needs no introduction.
     CHICKEN LITTLE:  Hey Everybody, Facebook is about to start charging $14.95 a month to steal your toilet paper and give you Herpes.  If you don't want this, go to options and click No Herpes, change your setting to I'm A Doofus, and hit Kill Me.  Please repost!

Look, I bought into the Donate Hair to Stop The Gulf Oil Spill effort; but at least that was based in reality.  Some people do not deserve internet service.

4.  "I Use Facebook To Send Passive Aggressive Messages to My Frenemies"
Like a dance off, only using Facebook.
     GHOST POKER: Some people need to get a life.

Yes, I totally agree.  I wonder if the some people got the message.  Perhaps a more direct email or phone call would have been more efficient.  But, that defeats the purpose of this bogus status update.  GHOST POKER really just wants followers to believe that she is the type of person who tells it like it is...only just not directly.

5.  "My Life Would Be Meaningless Without Apps"
Ok, I admit, I fell under the spell of Farmville.  For a minute.  Then I got my life back.
     FARMER DUMBASS:  Hey guys, I need some corn! Please send me 10,304 coins so that I can buy more corn and thus make my life complete.  Also, my Mafia needs your help.  I am trying to assassinate Cornbread Gangsta and need 5 M-16s in my loot.  Please send me some brass knuckles.  And, if you have time, please support my virtual restaurant by eating the virtual Coq au vin that I virtually prepared. Thanks!

This is virtually pathetic.  FARMER DUMBASS needs to meet up with LIAR McLIAR and get a life...not a mafia. 

6.  "I Was The Only Kid With MTV"
Thanks for wasting feed space:
     BON JOVI'S BITCH:  Hey guys, check out this amazing video that I dug up on Youtube! It rocks!
                                         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDK9QqIzhwk

Really? Because I have never seen this before?  Wow, now that I have viewed your "discovery", I can now move on with my day...energized by Bon Jovi.  Thanks Asshat. 

7.  "Facebook Enables My Munchausen by Proxy and Malingering"
This bitch and her kids are ALWAYS sick. Always.
     ILL JILL: On our way to the ER with Dalton, for the 6th time today.  So tired of the little guy's nosebleeds.  Unfortunately, my arms aren't working today due to my Fibro-betes and I can't staunch the flow.  Hoping the CTMRICATPET scan shows something awful and little known so that we can continue to milk this for a few more months.

This is quite possibly my least favorite Facebook user, only because she is so easily enabled.  All it takes is one comment from:
     GULLIBLE BETTY: Aw, Jill, I am sooooo sorry girl!  Hope the little one and you feel better soon!  Let me know if y'all need anything; I have no life and am sitting on the ready to rush to your aid so that I can feel like a part of something bigger.

Get some gotdamned counseling people!

Dear Facebook, please deliver me from these people.  Most of them are my friends, and I love them, so help them see the error of their ways.  Look, I know my status updates are not going to inspire a Bravo TV reality show (unless there is a market for a show about a 36 year old woman who is easily annoyed), but I do try.  I acknowledge that I have probably been guilty of each and any of these misuses in my 3 year history; but I pledge to be considerate from now on.  So, while you are protecting me from privacy violations....please also protect me from other's privacy.  Their private matters (daily schedule, delusional disorders, OCD, abandonement issues, and health matters) are getting on my nerves. 

Oh, and one more thing...please, for the love of God and all that is right in the world, please remove the following from Facebook:  up close pics of dirty teeth, dancing cowboys, dancing uneducated mothers, dancing home refinancers, dancing debt consolidators, and finally, sad orphaned virtual animals who need my virtual parenthood.  K, thanks!

Author's note:  If you are reading this blog, and we are Facebook friends, please don't take offense.  You are in my "inner sanctum" and thus immune to my ray-gun of justice.  Unless you, of course, are consistently guilty of these Facebook sins...then, yes, I am talking about you.  Love you! XOXO