Friday, November 12, 2010

Getting Toys

The mother of my best friend had a collection of self-help, business management type books in the spare bedroom of her home. BFF and I were hanging out in that room one day, probably pilfering for something, when she pointed to a book on the shelf. The book was titled, "Getting To Yes." I assumed it was some sort of deal-closing advice book. BFF then told me that when she was a kid, she thought the book was titled, "Getting Toys." I never saw the book the same way again.

Recently, BFF and I were talking about that book and how awesome it would be to actually have a book that gave you step by step instructions on how to get the thing you most want. Not the thing you are supposed to want, like inner strength or serenity; but the thing you really want, such as toys, candy, happiness without struggle or responsibility. We discussed how one could title a book with a hook, such as "Getting Toys", and then enclosing a lesson inside the book; such as how to clean your room or be more obedient. Surely, the children of the world would pick up a book entitled, "Getting Toys". This led to a running list of books, a series perhaps, of new covers for old books. New covers to hook people into reading the books they should be reading, thereby manipulating the reading public. Trickery, if you will. Here are some ideas:

New Cover/Title for:

The Bible-"How Not To Burn In Hell For All Eternity"

The Dog Whisperer-"How Not To Come Home To Dog Turds On Your Sofa"

The World Is Flat-"Interesting Tidbits To Discuss At A Cocktail Party To Appear Smart For 3 Minutes"

Little Women-"Fall Asleep In 2 Minutes Or Less...Every Time"

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus-"How To Get Your Man To Rub Your Feet Every Day, How To Convince Your Wife To Let You Buy A Corvette"

Lord Of The Flies-"How To Convince Your Parents to Not Send You To Summer Camp"

Lord Of The Rings-"How To Ensure That You Never Have To Talk To Women. Ever."

Eat, Pray, Love-"How To Feel Miserable About Your Lack Of Money"

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People-"How To Annoy Every Person You Encounter"

The Secret-"How To Lead A Life Of Futility and Disappointment" (ed. note: The people who would read the "The Secret" would likely read a book entitled "How To Lead A Life of Futility and Disappointment" to solidify their self hatred.)

Chicken Soup For the Soul-"How To Wear Appliqued Cardigans and Wooden Necklaces So That People Think They Can Take Advantage of Your Kindness"

Who Moved My Cheese-"How To Delude Yourself That You Actually Have Control Over The Things That Happen To You" or "How to Incorrectly Use Analogies To Appear In Control In Times of Distress"

What To Expect When You're Expecting-"Short Stories About Hideous Things That Will Happen To Your Body If You Have Sex"

Martha Stewart's HomeKeeping Handbook-"Make Your Friends Feel Inadequate When They Visit Your Home, Thereby Getting The Social Upper Hand"

Canterbury Tales-"Explicit Descriptions of Sodomy in Merry Olde England"

Helter Skelter-"A Few Satisfyingly Disturbingly Scary Pictures Mixed In With Many Many Words"

A Million Little Pieces-"I Pissed Off Oprah"

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man-"Date Like a Middle Aged Black Adulterer"

He's Just Not That Into You-"How To Alienate Every Shy Man You Encounter"

Ok, Ok...so I got a little off-topic and changed the focus about halfway through. Maybe I should have titled this entry:

"Lines You Can Steal To Crack Up Your Off-Kilter Literary Friends"

or even:

"Something To Read While Taking A Break From Facebook"