Behind The Camera

I was recently engaged in a shame filled disagreement with a close friend. Ok, someone recently got pissed off at me because I updated my Facebook status during dinner. And, he had every right to. Of course, I tried to defend myself...but deep down I knew I was wrong. And I felt ashamed. It blew over rather quickly and before long we were back to normal. But, I was different. I saw things through different eyes, now that my habit had been pointed out to me. Updating my facebook/tweeting/texting/etc is my equivalent of walking around with a camera at the ready and never actually seeing the things I photograph (which I am bad about as well.) Basically, I am so concerned with informing everyone of my good time that I forget to actually have a good time.

Now, I do love my social media. I can't imagine life before it. But, I should. I spent at least 32 years without it (yes, I was tardy for the party). And in those 32years, I saw things with my own eyes. I skied down Camelback Mountain, alone, only screaming part of the way down...without updating anyone on my progress. I watched the formerly sucky 1991 Atlanta Braves parade down Peachtree Street in a ticker tape blur without so much as a hanging chad to show for it. I got married, not once but twice, without the world knowing every single step along the way. The engagement picture in my hometown newspaper had to suffice as my "status update". I spent a week in Las Vegas and saw more things in that one week than I have cumulatively seen in my entire life; and have very few pictures to show for it. These were times in my life that I was present for the present. And, my memories of these times are rich and detailed.

Now the flipside. I finally made it to California in 2005. I had always wanted to go and was so excited to be sent there for a conference...on someone else's dime. I spent the entire trip behind my camera, capturing everything I could on film as if I was about to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's. And you know what? I remember very little about that trip. And, what's worse, my film was ruined on the trip home; therefore, I don't even have the pictures to show for it. Everytime I think about that I get pissed with myself. I took that trip in the future. My logic was "I'll just get all this on film so that I will always be able to look at the pictures and remember what it was like." Nope. Didn't work. When I think about that trip, all I can think about is how filled with regret I am that I didn't actually experience the trip...I just documented it. So, why didn't I learn my lesson? I think I have the answer...

If I can convince my 200+ Facebook friends, random tweet followers, and text addict friends that I am happy and having the best time ever...then it must be true. It's called validation and I am clearly addicted to it. Somewhere along the way, my own validation of myself became unimportant and I required the admiration of people who matter very little to me to feel as though I have accomplished something. Social Media is like crack to a validation addict. My Iphone is my pipe. It is my trumpet, allowing me to blare my happiness and good fortune to the public. But, you know what? Trumpets are loud and annoying. What if I literally had a trumpet instead of an Iphone?

"Yeah, I'll have the filet, medium well." ATTENTION! CUE THE HORNS! FMG IS AT A FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT AND SHE JUST ORDERED A STEAK! "Oh, and also a glass of merlot." ATTENTION!!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG IS GETTING HER DRINK ON AT THE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!! Sitting across from my friend ATTENTION!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG IS NOT ALONE AT THE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT!!! we discuss THE LATEST NEWS STORY which I have googled right there so as to have UP TO THE MINUTE information. The food arrives. ATTENTION!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG IS ENJOYING HER MEAL. HERE IS A PICTURE OF IT. DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS MEAL? After dinner, my friend and I decide to get a coffee. ATTENTION!!! CUE THE HORNS!! FMG HAS LEFT THE FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT AND IS NOW ON HER WAY TO STARBUCKS!!

See what I mean? I can't imagine sitting across from someone and only seeing the top of his head as he looks down at his Iphone for the majority of the meal. But, I was guilty of this and it was pointed out to me and for that, I am sorry. Truth is, there was no one else I would have rather been sitting across from, but as with all addictions...the fix always wins out. That admonishment served as a 180 day stay at Crossroads for me. I put the pipe away and counted myself as present. And, I have the vivid memories to prove I was there.

Everythings Fine...Really!

Last week, I was on my way to my appointment with my therapist. Yes, my therapist. You don't go through all the bullshit that I have survived in the last 16 years without one. Plus, pouring all my complaints out to someone every two weeks keeps me happy and funny for everyone else. Anyhoo--so I was on my way to see her and I thought to myself, "Wow, I really don't have anything to talk about today. I must really be doing well. Maybe I will suggest tapering off so that I can use that $40 on something else." I got to her office and sat down, without the usual long drawn out sigh. She asked how things were going and I smiled brightly and said, "Great!" She asked for details.

How I went from "Great!" to a weeping "See you in two weeks" mess is the subject of my post today.

I proudly told her how I had enforced my boundaries over the last couple of weeks. We discussed how awkward and weird that felt and she gave me some pointers in tweaking my approach and perhaps toning down my offensiveness. I mentioned, just in passing, that I was still unsure about how to proceed with the issue of relationships. Of course, she wanted to hone in on that one remark. And, in just 40 minutes, my facade came crumbling down.

I mentioned that I still felt so scared to commit to anything, afraid of the consequence, and ultimately, afraid of making the wrong choices...again. She did a brief rundown of the things I chose not to commit to over the last two years and we discussed how, thus far, it would seem that I had made good choices. However, I have chosen not to commit for so long that it is like second nature now. And the reason I choose not to commit? Because I want to avoid the searing white hot pain that I have become accustomed to when I go all in. This has boiled over into every aspect of my life, from work to what to have for dinner. I can't decide on anything. I keep my options open until the very last second, until I am forced into a decision, and then I lament how pressured to choose I felt. Or, I will decide, then change my mind, then change it back, then change it back again, and so on; finally becoming so exhausted with it that I eventually lose interest. After reviewing this, I was still fine and slightly less optimistic, but still good. I remarked to her that it has been so long since I was in a serious relationship that I don't think I would know how to act. She reminded me that there was no script, only just the commitment to be my "authentic self". That's the problem, I reminded her. When my "authentic self" comes out, all of a sudden things start to fall apart and next thing I know, I'm gathering quotes from moving companies. The problem, she reminded me, was that I didn't show that "self" at the beginning, instead just bringing her out later and expecting everybody to accept her. So basically, I am guilty of acting like nice, fun, sparkly girlfriend in the beginning and then turning into a bitch on wheels down the line. Well, kinda. Anyway, we discussed more of my fears about committing to any relationship...even those that have thus far proven promising and positive. I had a list a mile long:


I'm afraid I will overreact about something minor and kill the relationship.
I'm afraid I will change my mind.
I'm afraid I will choose, then pine over the one I didn't choose.
I'm afraid of wanting something completely different 5 years from now.
I'm afraid I will fall in love and devote myself to someone who is careless with me.
I'm afraid I will have to upset the neat little apple cart of my life.
I'm afraid of being uncertain about the relationship's future.
I'm afraid of going to bed angry.
I'm afraid of sleeping next to someone who is angry with me.
I'm afraid of finding an errant receipt for dinner for two...that I didn't eat.
I'm afraid of hang-up calls.
I'm afraid of EVERYTHING.

See, I am able to talk myself out of a relationship every time. My therapist leaned in and said the words that totally demolished my "Hey! Everything's fine! Really!" facade. "I want you to live. I want to see you live instead of hanging back on the sidelines because you are afraid of messing up. Your fear has kept you from really living for long enough now. I would rather see you live messily than not live perfectly."

I couldn't stop the big fat tears from spilling over. It hit me so hard because, well...she's right. I have allowed fear to completely paralyze me. And now, I can barely order dinner without second, third, fourth, and fifth guessing myself. I can barely get my paperwork done because if I can't do it perfectly, then I don't want to do it at all. And, I can't let the right one in for fear of forcing the wrong one out. Therefore, I have just been floating along, keeping every option open but not choosing any. That's not to say that I don't want to choose. I actually do. I want to be in a relationship, but I also want a guarantee that it will be the last relationship and that I will not ever get hurt again. As long as I wait for that, the right one isn't coming. Thus far, I have been okay with that. Preferring not hurting to taking a risk. I am beginning to not be okay with that though. And my only thought is...."YIKES!!!!!"

My vision was blurry as I opened up my calendar to schedule our next appointment. "Ok, so...how about two weeks from today?" she asked.

"Works for me", I replied.