Whatchu Talkin Bout Elton?

As much as I love music, I misunderstand A LOT of lyrics. I readily admit this, usually just substituting the word "meow" for the parts I don't understand. Try it, it usually fits nicely.

Elton John is one of my favorite artists, but dude does not annunciate well at all. Each one of his songs has a lyric in it that gives me pause and then brings out the "meows". There are other songs, which my college roommate and I butchered, that still make me laugh to this day at the ridiculousness of what we thought they said. What follows is a true account of butchered lyrics that still, to this day, make me chuckle:

1. What I heard: Hold me closer Tony Danza, Count the Head Lice on the highway.
What he said: Hold me closer tiny dancer, count the head lights on the highway.
"Tiny Dancer" by Elton John.

2. What I heard: It's Saturday Night, have you seen my legs?
I still have no idea what he actually said
"Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" by Elton John

3. What I heard: She's got electric boobs, her mom has two.
What he said: She's got electric boots, a mohair suit.
"Bennie and The Jets"...again...Elton John

4. What I heard: Cinnamon Gum!!
What he said: Should've been gone!
"Oh Sherry" by Steve Perry

5. What I heard: He is a Woman
What they said: Evil woman
"Evil Woman" by ELO

6. What I heard: I'm not your wallet on a chain
What he said: And not your puppet on a string
"I Just Want to be Your Everything" by Andy Gibb

7. What I heard: Cry in the night if it helps, And Mama n'em
Again, I have no idea what he actually said
"I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues"...Elton John

8. What I heard: And Rot Inside a Corporate Shell
What he said: something to the effect of rot inside a corpse and shell.
"Thriller" by Michael Jackson (the Vincent Price part)

9. What I heard: There's maxis in the bathroom, just below the stairs
What he said: There's matches in the bathroom, just below the stairs
"Nobody Told Me" by John Lennon

10. What I heard: Mennen, by mennen by mennen I keep holding on
What he said: Minute by minute by minute I keep holding on
"Minute By Minute" Michael McDonald

11. What I heard: Queen of Tacoma
What he said: Queen of Corona
"Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard" by Paul Simon

12. What I heard: When you come to me and the suppers free
What they said: And you come to me on a summer's breeze
"How Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees

13. What I heard: Stretch marks for dollars
What she said: Deustch marks or dollars
"Private Dancer" by Tina Turner

These are but a few. Please feel free to either share your own misheard lyrics for everyone's enjoyment, or to correct the ones that I still don't know the answer to.

Shortcuts

The stack of magazines mocks me every time I enter my living room. For that matter, so does my couch, my tv, my tivo, and my blanket. If the house is quiet, I would swear that I hear them calling, "Where have you been? Come, enjoy us again. We miss you!" The months I spent in recluse feels like decades ago. These days, I run through my house, often shedding clothes and accessories in the kitchen and spritzing myself with the perfume that now sits by the door on my way out again. Not that I'm complaining...I spent quite enough time flipping through magazines and wrapping up in my blanket, wondering if I would ever be busy again. Now that it is here, I barely have time to miss those halcyon days.

Shortcuts have become a necessity. I have invented several time saving techniques to well...save time. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always valued time over money. Usually, suffering a deficit in one area, I find myself with an abundance of the other. Nowadays, both are in short supply. Frugality with money is second nature, so I don't even notice the tight budget; but frugality with time is a totally new concept. And what is it about a new (dare I say it?) boyfriend that totally blows one's time budget? It isn't like we spend every waking moment together. But, I guess the time that I used to devote to sitting around has been line item vetoed and redistributed to my old maid prevention exercises. Creativity is key in devising time saving shortcuts.

Pretty hands, pretty life: I don't get my nails done. I can't afford the upkeep, both in time and expense. I can think of nothing more draining and frustrating than sitting at the nail table making broken English small talk with the petite overly interested nail tech. So, I paint my nails myself. With quick dry polish. This week, my time was limited, and by the time Friday afternoon rolled around, I had run out of time. My nails were painted, but were in need of a shiny top coat (I don't half ass the manicure...it just takes me a while to complete it). So, instead of attending the Al Green show with dull nails, I simply took the bottle with me. I applied the top coat and drove with the air vents aimed at my now lovely hands. By the time I reached Rosemark, on the long Hwy 14 trek to Memphis, my nails were dry. Easy Peasy. The air vents worked like a charm and I am excited at the prospect of the hours I will be saving in the future by utilizing my car's nail drying option.

Cherry limeaid note catch up: My job involves A LOT of writing. It is 10% action, 90% writing about said action. This tends to pile up, and at the end of the month, I feel like quitting my job because the neglected paperwork is a fate worse than poverty. But, no more. I discovered that a 20 minute Sonic Cherry Limeaid break at 2:30 (happy hour, half off!) totally saves the day. My job requires me to be in no fewer than 3 places (counties) at once, so I am often "in the road" and in a hurry. I kind of miss the days of having a desk that I actually sat at. Sitting down to write out my notes, a luxury I simply can't afford. Friday, I was in between clients and found myself with 20 minutes that weren't obligated. The Sonic magically appeared on the left and before I could talk myself out of it, I swooped in and placed my order. The blank notes cleared their throats from my passenger seat, "Ahem, hello? Hows about spending a little time with us?" I pulled out my pen, paid for my drink, and spent the next 20 minutes catching up a week's worth of notes. A little while later, I was hydrated and caught up.

Tan and Go: I can't believe I have been sweating it out at the city pool for hours and hours to achieve my summer glow when all along, I could have just pressed a button. Loreal Sublime Bronze, people. It works. Swoosh swoosh swoosh...done. No Jersey Shore orangeness, just a smooth subtle tan without the frown lines from having to listen to Bay Bay's kids play in the water.

Sleep in a pencil: Benefit Cosmetics, Eye Bright. I rarely sleep more than 6 hours anymore, but just a couple of swipes of this miracle, and you would think I just emerged from a nice peaceful coma. I have to be careful though, too much and I look like someone who uses makeup to hide lack of sleep...

And quite possibly the best time saver of all:



After a few years of cultivating the long hair look, I finally made the leap back to easy. And let me be the first to tell you...SO WORTH IT. Thank God The Candidate isn't one of those men with the weird long hair on a woman fixation. Even if he was, I think he would choose my new cropped coif over "My God it's hot. This sucks. Where's my ponytail holder? I will be late, I'm straightening my hair. Is my hair frizzy? Jesus Christ, it is hot." any day of the week. Friday night, as we enjoyed our wine at the Al Green concert, I found myself making the all too familiar motion to pile my hair up to cool my neck off. I was pleased to reach back there and find nothing. I caught his eye as I did this, and he smiled at me and said, "Good call!"
Indeed it was.

The business of being busy takes it's toll at times. There have been times, recently, that I have had the fleeting thought of, "I should just shed myself of all this activity and go back to sitting my ass at home". But then, the phone rings, the alarm clock goes off, the doorbell chirps, and I hear those still exciting words, "You ready, sweetheart?"

Indeed, I am.